Ok, today I decided to do the NFL power rankings thing that everybody loves to hate. Then I was like let’s have a little fun with this and see if we can’t just laugh a little. And some of us really need to laugh after what we saw week one.
NFL Power Ten
1. New England Patriots – It’s the Patriots. Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, moving on.
2. Kansas City Chiefs – Pat Mahomes is on pace for only 48 touchdowns after week one, so he must be regressing.
3. New Orleans Saints – Sure seems like the NFL is making sure what happened last year doesn’t happen again. There was like 10,000 referees at this game.
4. Dallas Cowboys – Does Jason Garrett still coach them? Yes. Oh, then the first week really doesn’t matter then.
5. St. Louis Rams – Sean McVay
6. Baltimore Ravens – Looking to instill confidence in a young quarterback and score 59 points? Play the Dolphins. Then play the Dolphins.
7. Los Angeles Chargers – Once again I wrote San Diego and had to fix it. Anyone else still doing that? Oh yeah, Philip Rivers is another great old guy playing quarterback.
8. Seattle Seahawks – Andy Dalton threw for 400 yards against us!? Yeah, but he fumbled twice so were good.
9. Philadelphia Eagles – You think DeSean Jackson is happy to be back? I bet Carson Wentz isn’t complaining.
10. Minnesota Vikings – Case Keenum threw for what? Well, we have Kirk Cousins now so…umm forget I said anything.
Is This For Real?
11. Tennessee Titans – We would like to thank the Browns coaching staff for playing right into our hands and allowing us to get into your player’s heads.
12. Green Bay Packers – We have Aaron Rodgers, you have Mitch Trubisky. Also, the head coach coached with Sean McVay
13. San Francisco 49ers – Jimmy Garoppolo is now 8-2 as a starter. Just needed to get him healthy and all is good.
14. Oakland Raiders – Maybe John Gruden is getting this thing moving in the right…it was the Broncos they beat? Forget it.
15. Buffalo Bills – Josh Allen led us to victory!!! He had four turnovers in the first half but man was he good at getting the Jets to drop picks in the second half.
16. Detroit Lions – Hey, a tie is better than a loss, right?
17. Arizona Cardinals – See Detroit Lions. Also, the head coach knows Sean McVay
18. Houston Texans – We sold Jadeveon Clowney for what?! And he had a sack. What the hell is going on around here?
19. Pittsburgh Steelers – Nobody is going to believe we don’t need Antonio Brown and LeVeon Bell now.
20. NY Jets – Wait, we grabbed four turnovers and lost? Guess we needed that fifth one, huh?
21. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck retired, what are we going to do? Give it to Marlon Mack. Ok, that seemed to work. Now how do we fix the defense?
22. Cincinnati Bengals – Andy Dalton threw for 400+ yards and John Ross finally played wide receiver. We still lost. I know. Wait, but we got a Sean McVay coach?
23. Chicago Bears – We have Mitch Trubisky. You have Aaron Rodgers…
24. Carolina Panthers – Played against Sean McVay
The Shellshocked and Shellacked rest
25. Atlanta Falcons – Ok, time to get back to the Super…ouch
26. Jacksonville Jaguars – Finally we got a quarterback to lead us to the promised land. Wait, what happened?
27. Cleveland Browns – We’re going to the SuperBowl baby!!! Baker Mayfield leading the way!!! Holy…what the heck just happened?
28. Denver Broncos – We pulled another heist. Taking “old” Joe Flacco from the Ravens to lead us to another…oh hell we’re in trouble.
29. Washington Redskins – Well, it was fun while it lasted.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Bruce Arians should have kept his promise to only want to coach Cleveland. Oh, wait.
31. NY Giants – We still have Saquon Barkley and you don’t.
32. Miami Dolphins – In the words of the ever famous John “Hannibal” Smith “I love it when a plan comes together.”